Months of working for free/almost nothing on film sets has finally paid off. Here’s the kickstarter for a new short from our company Truly Brave Films!
I’d like to correct a figure. If I recall correctly, our military expenditures are more than the next TWENTY-SIX countries combined, and something like 25 of those are allies.
Welcome back! So the cops have left, you’ve cleaned your house, and you’re finally ready for bed. What do you do next? We’re here to help!
Step 8. Distract yourself.
Now, you may think we mean for you to distract yourself from these current events so you’re mind can clear up a little, but we actually mean the opposite! Distract yourself from every other responsibility you have! Have work the day after? Do it poorly! Supposed to manage several different tasks at once? Blow it! Your computer has been stolen, and on it the programs you use to make a living, think about that all day! There were people in your house who didn’t even have the courtesy to keep things tidy, and boy are you peeved! Remember, don’t think about anything except the break-in, otherwise you may just get on with your life!
Step 9. Sit and think. And drink.
Your roommate is staying with her boyfriend, so you’ve got plenty of time by yourself at home. For some reason you haven’t been scheduled for any work for a few days, so you’ve got plenty of time to sit in your newly desecrated house and think about all kinds of great stuff! While you’re at it, your liqueur cabinet hasn’t been touched in a few days save for the strangers who rummaged through it, so it would be rude if you didn’t reintroduce yourself to its contents.
Step 10. Stare at random corners.
Just keep staring, something will happen soon, I’m sure!
Step 11. Have an unfair bitterness towards your cat.
You pet her and she tries to open your veins, but strangers break in and she hides. What’s up with that bullshit? She could’ve destroyed their jugulars in an instant! Instead of finding the house burgled, you would’ve come home to two dead bodies and a very proud looking cat.
Step 12. Get mad about stuff.
There are all sorts of new things you can be mad about! Because of what they did, you’re now painfully aware of how unprepared you are to defend yourself. Feel free to imagine all sorts of scenarios where you came home and caught them in the act. Of course in these imaginary scenarios you always win in a cool Jason Bourne sort of way, but in the back of your head you know that you would most likely be killed were it to come to physical violence. You can get mad that they have now made you distrust everyone you see within a 5 mile radius of your home! You can get mad that they put the idea of how little money you actually have into your head. Which leads us to…
Step 13. Become painfully aware of how poor you are.
Shit, the rent check was just cashed and you need to buy all sorts of new things to help protect your house and make up for what was taken. Your job on the TV show is about to end and you could otherwise make it up with freelance editing gigs, but without your editing software you’re screwed! Looks like you’re about to enjoy another wonderful few weeks of eating nothing but rice and mustard sandwiches!
Step 14. Feel uncomfortable towards the charity you receive.
Events like this make you realize how many good friends you really have, because you are suddenly swarmed with well-wishes and offers for help. You’re not good at accepting help, and never truly needed it until now, but your life of being the middle-child of a family of divorce who was so often raised to never cause any problems has conditioned you to feel uncomfortable with offers to help you out. Accept them for a few days, and quickly lock yourself away where you can make excuses.
Step 15. Go crazy and start your own investigation.
So you assumed that the burglars hopped the gate in your backyard through the alleyway. But upon further inspection, you realize that nothing in the alleyway is disturbed and it’s still covered in foliage. The only other way is the 5 foot tall cement wall that adjoins your house to the abandoned house next to you, which leads to another alley and then leads to your street. The burglars knew that you weren’t home because your roommate has a set schedule for work and they would just have to see you leave, which all points to it being done by somebody on your block. Be suddenly aware of the phase when strangers from the neighborhood would come to your door asking if “Steve” was here, and the amount of times you had a turn different people away. Feel free to imagine that this wasn’t an accident, but it was people taking a moment to scope out your house and see what the interior is like. Remember an event a month ago when you thought you heard movement late at night in your spare bedroom while you were watching a movie with the lights off. You didn’t find anyone, but there’s no reason that couldn’t be someone making an attempt on your house. Isn’t that all great to know? Be sure to think about all this night and day so that you have a very difficult time sleeping.
Step 16. Take some time off.
Visit your parents. Bask in the simplicity of the countryside. Let your worries melt away.
Step 17. Come back to the city and allow all those worries to come back.
On your first night back when your roommate is out and you want to go see some friends, spend 2 hours building the courage to leave your house alone. Leave a bunch of lights on and turn on your computer to iTunes so blast some music.
Step 18. Go home early.
Obviously you won’t be able to think about anything but your house, so be sure to duck out of whatever you’re doing only a half hour into doing it.
Step 19. Stay home and think.
Step 20. Write a blog about it.
That’ll help for sure!
And there you have it! You’re completely cured of your anxiety regarding the break-in! In the coming days, be sure to avoid all eye contact of anyone on your block, specifically the few men across from you who sit on their stoops all day watching your house. Feel to scared to ask anyone on your block if they know anything, because chances are that will end badly.
Congratulations on your progress! If any of these steps don’t work, feel free to re-visit step 9 as often as you need.
Hello! If you are reading this, that means you’ve had a break-in at your house and you may feel like your life is in shambles. But never fear, because we at “Get Over It Inc.” have taken some time to make a helpful list of things you should do to get over the constant feeling of paranoia and anger you now have. Please feel free to grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and read away!
Step 1. Finding your house in disarray.
So you’re off at a nice dinner party and you’re coming home a little tipsy. Time to happily throw yourself into bed and have some fun drunk dreams, right? Wrong silly, because you are having trouble opening your door because your couch is in front of it! You push the couch and turn on the light to find that absolutely everything is thrown around everywhere and lots of your stuff is missing.
Step 2. Rationalize.
At this point, you may not have assumed it was a break-in, because that doesn’t happen to you. Make some mental excuse that maybe your roommate lost something important, tore the place up looking for it, and left in a rush without putting things back. Sure, that must be it!
Step 3. Find the cat.
Normally your awful cat comes to greet you and maybe cut you with her claws when you arrive home. She’s nowhere to be found, until you see her slinking out of a corner all puffed-up with her eyes big and her ears low. For some reason, this makes you realize “Holy shit, someone broke into my house!”
Step 4. Notify roommate.
Call your roommate at work and calmly explain to her what happened. She’ll ask you if her family ring is still there and say that that is the only thing worth anything to her besides the cat. Check her room. Naturally the ring is gone and you tell her. She sadly tells you that she’ll be home soon.
Step 5. Notify police.
Call 911 and calmly tell them what happened and give them your address. After hanging up, realize how calm you sounded and think maybe you sounded TOO calm, as if the police may now expect to arrive here and find me standing over two dead people while calmly reciting Bible verses. Suddenly you realize that you were around people smoking weed earlier and you absolutely reek of it. Freak out for a moment while brushing your teeth, washing your hair, and changing your clothes.
Step 6. Wait.
The police will probably take about an hour to arrive. In the meantime, feel free to sit on your stoop and stare into nothingness. Don’t even think about anything, just allow the shock to wash over you. Snap out of it when you realize that the cops will probably dust for prints, and you’ve touched at least 9 important things since you got home. Panic for a moment before realizing that naturally your prints WOULD be there because you live there, and it would actually seem quite strange if somehow there were absolutely none of your fingerprints on anything.
Step 7. Talk with the police.
By now the cops and your roommate have arrived, so spend a little time explaining the situation. The cops will tell you that they didn’t break in through your back door like you imagined because nothing was damaged. After a minute, they’ll inform you that they crawled up through your 2nd story window and into your spare bedroom because it was unlocked. Let that sink in while the police tell you other things and take your information. They’ll dust roughly 3 items for prints and leave without saying whether or not they found anything. In a few days your roommate will tell you that she doubts they’re looking because they didn’t take your fingerprints to cancel out those of the burglars, so feel excited to know that the police have considered your case closed before they even left your house!
To be continued…